Wait, How’d I Get Here?

Have you ever driven home after a weekend away or a night out, and thought when you arrived in your driveway, “Wait, how did I get here?” You are so familiar with the journey that you can turn on auto pilot and navigate the road with out paying much attention to the turns you’re making. When you arrive at your destination, you don’t much recall the many steps you obviously had to take to get there. That’s how I feel about turning 23.

Of course, I was present for the 22 years prior. I can pretty much pinpoint where I was for every birthday. And yes, I remember where each year was spent. But thinking about the number 23 just turns it all into a blur.

If you’re older than 23 and rolling your eyes and thinking, “Oh come on, you’re still a baby, you have no idea!” then please hear, me out. I agree with you. I’m still really young. But that’s what is even wilder to me. If my life already seems to be flying by, what about a few years from now? Twenty years from now? Fifty years, God willing, from now? Yikes.

I’m starting to realize all those things I was told while growing up are true. Things like, “Enjoy it, you’ll wish you could go back,” and “Don’t try to grow up too fast, this is the best time of your life.” That all makes sense and the ringing thought in my head is “Already?”

I remember longing to be an adult. And when all the adults told me to enjoy being a kid, I smiled but in my head I thought, “Definitely want to be an adult.”

You know those things you get really excited about? Those things that make you giddy and you just feel like they’re forever away and can’t wait for them to be there? Birthday parties come to mind. Prom, the State Cross Country Meets (after the race part, I should clarify), summer, moving into my dorm, driving my new car, graduating college. Now looking back, I wish I could have held on to them a bit longer. I wish I could have hovered in those moments. Instead, as they passed I was already looking for the next one.

To be honest, I’m not exactly at adult status yet. But instead of running towards that title, I’m pumping the brakes. I can’t just take my car to my dad when it has a problem; I have to take it to the shop and pull out a credit card. When my bed is ultra comfy in the morning, I can’t skip work like I skipped class. And I spent an hour on the phone yesterday getting utilities set up for a house. A house! I’m old enough to rent a house? Since when?

There is no ceremony, no ribbon cutting for entering adulthood. There are lots of little moments where you are startled to realize that you are in fact doing an adult thing and no one is even surprised, nonetheless, concerned. My moments: signing a lease, applying for a credit card, and drinking a beer…with my dad.

How do we slow down time? How do we pause the movie that is our life? How do we rewind and go back to those moments we didn’t appreciate? We don’t. We can only try to stop wishing for the next thing so that maybe we can take in the thing that’s happening right now. Even if that’s pain, or sadness, or just boring in comparison to what we are hoping for. All of those less welcome experiences are what prepare us to appreciate the much better ones.

There are still all kinds of things I am very much looking forward to. One of those things is celebrating my birthday this weekend with some of my favorite people. I’m going to try to think less about all the other things I’m looking forward to and more about where I am.