I lost my mom when I was 8 years old. I remember that she was sick, that I stayed with my aunt that night, and that I was pulled from school because she was in the hospital. That night I laid in bed and knew everything would be fine, because she was too young to die, and that kind of thing just wasn’t going to happen. But it does happen, all the time. People die, and they leave behind those that love them.
I think of her everyday. I think of her when I buy new outfits and wish I had a mom’s opinion. I think of her when I accomplish something I’m proud of and wish I could hear her praise. I think of her when I’m confused and just want to talk it out.
There are a few days though that I think of her even more. Those days the pain is a little stronger and the tears a little harder to hold back. Her birthday is one of those days.
Today, my mom would have been 51 years old. Today is difficult because it’s such a firm reminder of another year she lost. I am reminded of what she’s missed; dress shopping, miles on the track, walks across the stage, heartbreak, triumphs and so much more. I am reminded of what she will miss; helping me decorate a house, my wedding day, watching me become a mom.
They say that things heal with time. But as I get older, I only miss her more. Each new experience I am reminded of what I’m missing. Only now that time has passed can I even begin to understand what I’ve lost.
I get angry. I get sad. I get frustrated. I smile and say she’s in a better place and that I’ll see her again one day.
I’m in a position now where I don’t think any of those things are wrong nor are they right. I do believe in a purpose for everything and I believe that her faithful heart trusted that too. I believe that it’s important to have faith, hope, and love even when we are hurting. But none of my beliefs ease my pain. My faith doesn’t answer my questions. My hope doesn’t make me happy. And my love doesn’t fill that hole.
I’m learning that joy and heartbreak, pain and healing, happiness and frustration go hand and hand. To appreciate one feeling you must first experience the other. I accept the bad so that I can embrace the good.
I watch my own birthdays come and go and slowly, I approach the number of years she got to have on this earth. I am reminded that we can never know which year, month, or day will be our last. I don’t want to spend any day, perhaps not even a moment, without a purpose. And I’m starting to think it’s okay if the purpose is to be angry, because it will mean more when the next moment’s purpose is to let go. It’s okay if the moment’s purpose is to rest, because I will be more prepared when the next moment’s purpose is to work. And it’s okay if one moment’s purpose is to grieve, because then I will be able to celebrate.
Today my heart hurts, but tomorrow I will embrace the sunrise because she can’t. Today I will cry for all her years lost, but tomorrow I will set forth to make my own years full of adventure because I know how soon they can come to an end. Today I will get angry because she has missed so much, but tomorrow I will take action to accomplish things that would make her proud.
Today I will accept my pain, but tomorrow I will embrace my happiness.
This is a difficult, emotional thing for me to read. I too miss her every day! I know she would be so proud of the wonderful young woman you’ve become! What gets me past my deep, deep hurt and emotion, is yes knowing that I serve a loving God, that feels my hurt as He hurt too when He gave His only Son. He gives us a blessed hope, His Word says that we will see her again! I look to that day!! Until then, I cherish time spent with you and David. I see her in both of you! That brings comfort and joy to my heart! Prayers for you and David always! Much love to you my precious niece! Aunt Cindy