It’s Okay To Be… {Lost}

This blog was born from a multitude of questions. I had just graduated, still didn’t know what to do, and honestly, kind of felt like college failed me.

What do you want to be when you grow up? was something I think we were all asked when we were kids.

As we got older, that question began to take on slightly different wording, but at the heart remained the same… What are you going to do with your life? Where are you going to go to school? What kind of career do you want? What are your goals? Where do you want to live? Do you want a family?

These questions bounced around around in my head a lot after graduating high school. And as I attended college. And after moving to a new city.

I. Don’t. Know! I furiously yelled back. In my mind. At no one in particular.

I just don’t know.

As I came to terms with the fact that I couldn’t answer any of these questions, not even to myself nonetheless to another human being, I also realized it’s quite possible I may never be able to answer them.

I went to college thinking, “This is what I’m supposed to do next, then I’ll figure out some answers.” After four years (time I thought would be for making a game plan for what comes next), I only found myself with more questions and more confusion.

I still didn’t know what to do with my life. Luckily, I was able to turn my part-time job into a full-time job with a company I was happy to work for. The job gave me a sense of responsibility, a lot of great relationships, a fun way to spend my days, and it paid the bills. But that job is not my purpose in life.

To an extent, I feel like college failed me. I didn’t learn a whole lot and I certainly didn’t come away with the self-made map for my future like I hoped I might… Instead, I came away feeling quite lost. With a million different paths splayed before me, I took the easiest one. Instead of walking towards a mountain or seeking a trail (metaphorically), I stuck to the roads. I kept walking along the straight, flat path before me. And while it has certainly rewarded me in ways, in others it has only left me feeling more lost than ever…

Two years ago tomorrow my dad came up to Jonesboro to take my senior pics. I posted one of those photos on social media with the caption, “After four years of college I still have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I have a degree and that’s cool.”

Two years later, I feel just as lost as I did then. Only now, I’ve decided that I believe that’s okay. So here’s to looking back two years from now and still feeling this way, but perhaps learning to except it in bigger and better ways.