It’s been some time since I wrote a blog. On June 1, 2022, I opened a coffee shop with my business partner. On June 2, 2022, I found out we were pregnant. In a few weeks, I resigned from my day job to focus on freelance work – branding and marketing. It sure has been a whirlwind of a year.
I knew that having a baby would be my life’s most incredible and challenging adventure. I knew it would be hard. I knew we’d have to find a new rhythm to our life. I knew I’d experience a love like no other. But no one can prepare you.
Oliver Banks Spencer has rocked my entire world.
For the past couple of years, it has been pedal to the floor, work-work-work, invest, probably take on more projects than we can handle… And as aware as I have always been that I need to stop always thinking about the next thing and spend more time enjoying the moment, it’s also always been practically impossible to do. It’s always the next trip, next project completion, next event, next next next.
And then on January 30, 2023, everything changed. The minute Oli entered the world it was everything I knew it would be and so much more. My heart swelled. I looked at my husband and my love for him grew in that moment, and then it continued to grow in each moment as he took our son in his arms, learned how to put on a diaper, leaned over him to stare at him. My love grew still when we were in our recovery room and he made sure I had every little thing I needed, doted on our son, held me when I cried – Oli didn’t have the easiest start.
And my love grew still each time Oli stirred while we were trying to get some sleep and Jackson would pop up to check on him with each little noise. It grew when I came out of the shower, still in the hospital room, to see Oli laying on Jackson’s bare chest, both with their eyes closed. It grew when he strapped our son into the carseat – a week after we’d entered the hospital – and again as I watched him grip the steering wheel tightly and drive with more care on that 1.2 mile drive home than I have ever seen. We were both hyper aware of the precious cargo in our backseat.
As my love grew for Jackson it conqured new heights and new depths as I realized what it’s like to now share the same love for our son. Our relationship, our life together, has always been of the utmost importance, but to stand together and look at this little being knowing he is the most important thing in our world – no matter how hard I’m trying to find them, there are no words.
A love like no other – accompanied by this newfound fear of it all ending. A joy like no other – accompanied by an almost fear of the future rather than looking forward to it. I don’t want him to grow too fast. I don’t want it fly by. I don’t want to blink and miss anything. The first two weeks these feelings seemed to consume me. I may have been finally living in the moment, but I felt desperate to freeze. Or replay it. Moment to moment – already gone.
As the weeks passed, some of the intensity of those motions – the scary depth of them – subsided a bit. But they are still there. There will never ever be enough time in the world to take in my precious family, to love Jackson and Oli, to hold them close, to see them smile. But I am now, finally, able to sit in each moment and not wish for the next.
We’re settling into a new rhythm. I jumped back into work almost immediately, but only because I could strap Oli to me for meetings or reach around his sleeping form napping on my chest to type on my computer.
I’m ridculously thankful for all of the time we will get to be together.
In-between his tummy time and feedings, I get stuff done. Sometimes.
Sometimes, I just look at him and revel in the moment. I am no longer longing for tomorrow or wishing it was some time in the future. I am greatful for each second – watching Oli’s little eyes, holding his little fingers, hearing Jackson call him ‘Little Mister’ from the other room, seeing them pace around the house, waking up early to scoop him up in my arms and calm his cries, wiping spitup off my bra, changing his diaper even though we just changed it. I am striving not fear tomorrow or think about how fast it will go. I am trying to think of only right now. This moment is the one I’m living in and no matter what it holds I am greatful. I am embracing the in-between.